It has not been an easy past two weeks, since my return back to Singapore. The desire to end this painful part of my life has struck me countless of times, which lured me into my old tendencies of wanting to runaway. During those times when desperation hit me right at the core, I experienced a complete shut down in my body. The pain soared right though me and had threatened to overtake my intellectual self. The almost unbearable feeling made me feel powerless and useless. I really wanted the pain to stop then, and I only knew of one way out — the point of no return.

As seconds ticked by, and after bouts of sobbing escaped from my body, I started to breathe. With each inhalation and exhalation, I began to remember the words of my mentor and from all of my past studies. It was very apparent that my body went into a fight or flight mode, and my reaction to the situation(s) was perpetuated by a memory from past traumatic experiences. As much as my body desired to fall back into my old patterns, I fought an internal battle to keep my mind alert and sound, willing myself to snap out of that old habit of wanting to runaway. Deep in my intellectual core, I knew that there was only one way to return back to Earth — to piece together my feelings and emotions into words, and voice it out to someone who was willing to listen to me with open heart and ears. And that, I did, with every remaining energy and will that was left in me.

It was tough to voice out my feelings and emotions at the point of a complete shut down. I started with one word adjectives, then short sentences, and eventually, they became full sentences with tears in my eyes. As I stared at my listener with wide-opened eyes, I saw love. I felt an instant liberation from the pain that was stuck in my body, and my heart started to soar. I knew that I had found the key to break free from my chains of old habits, and there was a chance for me to share this experience with people around me.

There are still residues of pain and anger left in my body after those episodes. But, as written in my previous post on the desire to stop feeling, these are the very sensations that would allow me to mature and grow into a stronger person as I gain better awareness of my physical and mental psyche. I’m not talking about suppressing these feelings, but knowing how to channel them to the right sources that are sustainable to both me and the environment (including people) on this planet. Together with my yoga practice, I hope to use my own personal stories of struggles and liberation to empower the youth of tomorrow with The Breathe Movement. And moving forth, I know that I’m never alone because contrary to my past belief, there are always people who are willing to lend me their ears and shoulders, and offer big bear hugs. No matter what experiences and struggles each of us go through in the world, with compassion, empathy and love instilled in all of us, we can create a better world for both ourselves and everyone around us.