Annoyance and hurt bubbled up in me. I could feel anger approaching. I wanted to say that all was fine and say a proper goodbye, but there was something in me that didn’t allow for that to happen. That annoyance had already taken a strong hold on me in that short five minute ride to my apartment. I just wanted to get far away from the source, or what I felt was the source of my misery.

Upon entering my apartment, I sent a curt, passive aggressive text stating the reason for my annoyance before switching off my phone. I had this temporary fantasy that I’d be better off without technology and could probably be more productive with work. And I couldn’t be more wrong.

I sat at my desk, fuming with anger. “How dare he?!”, I thought. Then I remembered to “choose love, choose love”.

I realised that my ego was in overdrive mode. That I couldn’t admit that I was putting forth a certain kind of energy that led him to assume something that was partially right. I didn’t want to own up to my own actions because it’s sometimes easier to always have things go my way. But it obviously backfired and I felt that my childish ego was being called upon and I couldn’t swallow that shame and defeat.

I breathed and picked my phone up half an hour later and sent another text. I admitted that the task would eat into my work time, but I really wanted to do it anyways. The reason why I was passing negative signals earlier was due to my inability to accept that I really wanted to do the task, not just for him but for myself as well.

So today, I learned that love begins by loving myself. Should I have switched my phone off for the entire day, I wouldn’t have been productive at work due to the agony that was exploding inside of me. The moment I chose to find a way that would directly address the source of the agony, even if it meant being vulnerable to not knowing if the other would accept my proposition, I felt an instant relief. I didn’t feel binded to my circumstances but instead freed from the idea that I was being trapped and victimized. And the resolution started with: what can I do for myself now to feel more grounded in this situation.