Bali Waterfalls

I have finally arrived to the point in my life where I’m tired of hearing the stories of my own past trauma. They are important to recognise, but I feel that I have been doing that for the past six years in therapy and ten years on my yoga journey. Why am I still being triggered? Why am I still acting up? Why do I constantly choose (is this a choice?) to be in the fight, flight and freeze mode? How do I really heal? Can I truly heal?

I will be one to admit that I’m addicted to the dark spaces that exist within me. They don’t offer me healthy emotional comfort, but they are familiar like how a security blanket would feel like. The heaviness of the darkness pins me down – sometimes threatening to suffocate my entire soul. But yet, I return back to that space ever so often, whenever I am triggered by the circumstances of the present moment.

In my teachings, I preach to choose love. And trust me, I try extremely hard to practice all that I preach. In the past four years of teaching, I have learned to show up a little more fully in my life. I have learned to notice my triggers and to try change the storylines that would enable me to communicate my boundaries and choices more effectively. But, I feel like have reached another level in my life. I want to learn how to choose love and breathe courage – always.

Whilst in the shower last night, I wondered about Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, and Mother Teresa. How were all of them able to constantly choose love over fear in the midst of violence and chaos? How did they communicate their boundaries without letting anyone step over them? How did they show up with so much vulnerability and at the same time, with so much strength and wholeness? I came to the conclusion that all of them probably chose love – to love thyself, to love others, to love the world. But ain’t this old news?

I have struggled with self-love and self-compassion for the longest time. At the same time, balancing my ego and ensuring that she’s kept healthy – not being suppressed or in overdrive. Intellectually, I understand many philosophy concepts, but to embody them is a whole different story. I asked my teacher last night – how do I embody the knowledge that the other end of the spectrum does exist. His answer: To use all that I know about the yoga practice – the modalities and the philosophies. Boy, oh boy.

So, I’m setting out to do this social experiment for a month. In the midst of my own chaotic world that’s filled with so much happiness, anger, joy, frustration, how can I show up and #chooseLOVEbreatheCOURAGE every single day? How can I choose to not let feelings of anger and frustration overwhelm my entire being, and choose an alternate route that would allow me to sleep better and function more productively, and in turn loving others and the situation for what it is without bias or prejudice? How can I be vulnerable yet grounded with integrity for myself?

I will probably have more questions along the way, but these are the few that are propelling me to be on this journey right now. I’ll try to document my journey every single day on this blog so that I can type in longer chunks as I find answers and more questions.

Who knows what would happen at the end of March 2018?