It’s been a long time since I wrote anything publicly, other than those on my Instagram account. I have zero direction as to where this post would go to, so read on if you feel like going on a car ride.

I fell sick over the weekend, and managed to watch five documentaries that covered the psycho-emotional body, minimalism, sustainability, determination and vulnerability. They were probably the reason why I couldn’t sleep last night, but I’m feel the need to change. To change my lifestyle, to change my outlook in life, to change the way I approach life. Many things that I’m doing now aren’t serving me. Practicing yoga and meditation has been a drag – one of those “I know that I should do it but maybe later”. This isn’t aligned with the things I say to others about living a mindful life. I have been mindless over the past few months, being caught up in a jungle of negative thoughts and desires. Perhaps the biggest contributing factor to it is my fear for failure – on top of that, owing large chunks of money to organisations because of my failure to raise adequate amounts of money. Just typing this is sending anxiety shocks through my fingers and into my heartzone (and enough for me to distract myself with my messaging apps and emails for a bit).

This is an issue, the constant desire to run away from the present – from the discomfort. What does it mean to be content? What does it mean to relish in all that life has to offer to us – the good and the bad? How do we see past the negatives and into the positives? I don’t have the answers. Somewhere in me, I feel myself crumbling. I know that some part of me has to go before I can build new things within me – things that will sustain me from here on. The old methods have been tried over and over, and they haven’t been working.

As 2020 is fast approaching, I know that I have a chance to start anew with a lot of “new” things that will be coming into my life. But the change shouldn’t start then. The change has to start right now. I want to be committed to change – and I’d have to figure out – what exactly do I want to change and let go.

“Live one day at a time”, I am being told. “I’ll try”, is my answer. And trying is all that we can do. I’m going to try to change and let go of all the unnecessary clutter in my life.